View source for Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual

{{Infobox Song
| Title     = Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual
| Image     = Thanks For the Support.jpg
| Performer = [[Roy Zimmerman]]
| Album     = Thanks For the Support
| Released  = July 15, 2008
| Recorded  = ?
| Genres    = [[Comedy]]
| Composer  = [[Roy Zimmerman]]
| Writer    = [[Roy Zimmerman]]
| Length    = 3:54
}}

==Song==
{{#ev:youtube|HZmHC75FDqQ|420||Performed live.}}

==Lyrics==
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Glory how-he-blew-ya.
 
 Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
 Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say staggered
 He was one in a million, or more aptly one-in-ten
 Some folks say he put the "men" in "Amen"
 
 He preached the gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
 He traveled on his wayward way betraying his betrothing
 He was the sole of piety and no one doubted him
 Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
 
 So he humbly went to counseling and then
 Three weeks later he's born again... again!
 Because...
 
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Glory how-he-blew-ya.
 
 He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
 Saying "Here's what Jesus thinks about all the pending legislation"
 And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
 And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife.
 
 He did some other things he'd later disavow.
 But he's putting all behind him now
 
 What does Leviticus have to say
 Yeah, what does it say, about being gay?
 "To lie with man is an abomination"
 Like cursing your parents, trimming your beard,
 planting wheat and barley in the same furrow,
 eating pork, wearing polyester, and masturbation
 
 And what did Jesus have to say
 Yeah, what did he say, about being gay?
 Well, nothing
 
 Well Ted's a little haggard but he's thankful for the schism
 Speaking: You're right, but wait for it
 And you might find it hard to swallow the syllogism
 That even evil-doers have a reason to rejoice
 Because they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
 
 So if you're a gay teenager, probably Jesus doesn't love you
 Because he knows Ted Haggard doesn't think a whole lot of you
 So don't embrace the way God made you here's what you should do:
 Choose to be a hetero and 7 foot 2.
 Because...
 
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
 Glory how-he-blew...
 I mean glory hole-e...
 I mean glory halle-lube ya
 
 Now Ted would like you all to know the story has a moral
 That of all the televangelists his favorite is Oral


[[Category: Comedy]]